My Life in Motion: Diary of an Unrefined Soul

I know that it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I guess I’m going through a bit of a dry spell( in more ways than one).  I’d like to get my writing kind of kick-started again by writing a simple journal past.  I mean, that’s all that blogging boils down to- blogging your thoughts, right?  Well, I hope so at any rate…

My life is insane- simply put.  This past year (or even the past 2-3) has changed all of my previous conceptions and ways of viewing life. Only two relationships, one 4 year and another 1.5 year term, and I have grown so much since then.   I still give into my impulses, I still binge/purges, I still have trouble eating, and I still have self-loathing and insecurities.  Yet, I’m more grown, more happy, more myself than I have ever been.  I have gained a sense of confidence and sense of self that I thought impossible to achieve.

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I’m almost there…

I’m pretty hot shit.  I don’t say that to be conceited or arrogant- although to a certain degree that naturally comes with confidence.  I’m ok with that though.  Tying into my previous post on Vanity and Modesty, I think my view on this matter is quite clear.  This past relationship has made this all the more obvious to me.  If you find yourself in a relationship that causes more doubt(not the good kind) and pain than would occur otherwise, there really is no sense in remaining in that situation.  There is no logic- again, I understand that there is no logic in matters of the heart and human expression- and no legitimate reason for it.  Although, as a recently viewed movie so eloquently put it: “We accept the love that we think we deserve.”

The accuracy of this statement is actually baffling.  Other than the questionability of the word “deserve”, this quote strictly refers to the perceived necessity of another’s love and acceptance versus self-love.  The only love we really deserve is our own. Cheesy? Maybe.  True? Most assuredly. We are the only person whose actions we have any control over, the only feelings and thoughts we can ever truly know.  Yet,  in that stark, blunt honesty we find ourselves shying away from it.  Again, just baffling, isn’t it?

Now, even with all of my self-hate and uncertainty, I have no fear of being alone.  I accept myself as I am- damaged, scared, weird, and just plain unique- and I do not need any other man (or woman, I suppose) to make me feel that.  Because, having another person in my life isn’t going to change who I am not in the most intimate and frighteningly honest of ways.  Although, I certainly do have a fear of commitment and love- I realize this.  At the same time, I don’t need another’s acceptance to go on living.  And neither do you!

Yes, you are!

Yes, you are!

Rant aside, I find myself in a situation that just shocks and frightens me beyond measure.  Two men- both of whom  harboured feelings for quite some time( one reasonably older and the other quite a bit older)- have decided that they reciprocate these feelings. Slightly suspicious, absolutely shocked, and -ultimately- flattered, I just can’t fathom the events in my life that led me to this point.  Maybe it is this new found sense of self, this new power that I have come into.  That in and of itself is terrifying.

In part this comes from the empowering nature of severing myself from a stagnant relationship.  I was in a relationship with someone whom I loved and cared for very much, but needs needs just were not attended to.  Yes, I mean this almost entirely in a sexual way.  And yes, I understand that sex is not the most important aspect of a relationship.  However, if two people cannot be together in the most intimate and honest form of expression known to humankind, then what is left?

prepare your anus

Problem solved.

Sweet words and empty promises?  I don’t want to hear how attractive I am, and how much you want to be with me if the actions continuously fall short.  I have deeply rooted self-hate and a distorted body image, and continuous rejection from someone who says that they do find me attractive they just, you know, don’t want to do anything physical with me more than a few times a month and in the same exact way and will not let me explore different ways of pleasing them (nothing weird or kinky, I swear).  I don’t think that’s too much to fucking ask from someone. Not to mention that I can’t force myself to be with someone who does not like my closest friend or my family, “allow” me to go out and be with friends(particularly guy friends) or even talk to me ex(who happens to be one of the closest people to me and which no animosity or desire remains) .  Yeeeeaah, that’s a no-go.  I have a car, I’m going to see the people that I love the most in the world- that I never see- as often as I can. Sorry…well actually no.  I’m not.

I think, in part, I’m just fed up with serious relationships.  Again, I’ve only been in two and have little worldly experience, but I’d rather just separate myself from that kind of  intense, serious, ready-to-settle romance. All I want is passion and desire and physical expression in its purest form.  I don’t want some sweeping, epic romance- that shit’s for queers and sparkly vampires.

My love...

….. I’m out.

I want honesty, open expression without rejection, I want someone who not just accepts me but also accepts my friends and family. And, continuing this path of stark honesty- I just want to have great sex.  Sex with someone who is just as into it as I am- who is just as ardently desirous of creating a fantastic experience as I am. As my best friend/sister so bluntly put it: I just want to get fucked.   I guess that’s true in a sense. I mean hell, the best orgasm that I can recall having was because of masturbation(an extremely new concept to me and one that I encourage everyone to participate in.)   I will repeat, I openly encourage masturbation.  Man or woman, whether you’re in a relationship or not, it’s just a better way to know your body and what you like.  And it helps work your imagination and fuels desire like no one’s business.

Anyway, I’m not going to go, you know, whore around.  That’s not me to any degree. But, I’m not going to go out searching for some…thing that society is perpetually telling me that I need to strive for.  Simply put, I want a deep, honest connection with someone.  Age is irrelevant, as is size, race, and even gender. Side note: I may or may not be bisexual.  Fuck if I know, I’m simply attracted to masculinity, intelligence, and humour.  That’s the only certain thing in regards to my perceived sexuality- which is probably 80% heterosexual.  Okay, rant over.  On with Life!

EDIT:  I’m not as bitter as I had previously written.  I realize now that my previous relationship had equipped me with more tools than I had ever known.  I will write more about the previous events- unfortunate though they are- as I come to terms with how my life has recently unfolded. I still care deeply about my ex and though I cannot be responsible for his actions, I will do my utmost to be there if he should need it.

Life has these bittersweet moments that we can either wallow in or progress from.  It’s all a matter of perspective.

RePost: What’s a muse?

Cristian Mihai : What’s a muse?.

Brilliantly articulated!  I don’t think I could have said it any better myself, and probably would have seemed all the more foolish for tying. Not, however, for a lack of accuracy in my words, but that the nature of the Muse is so abstract -so complex- that only one with adequate experience could do justice to it.  It’s just one of those surreal concepts that you can feel and understand so ardently, yet are unable to explain to someone less inclined towards such fancies.

I have gained a bit of insight into a current relationship situation that I have been mulling over(more details in my next post) in the reading of the above post.  I am startlingly ( or maybe not so startling when I think deeply on it)  that I have become another’s Muse, in one of the more intimate senses of the word.  While this particular situation can be loaded with implications and/or possibilities, I feel a sense of intense curiosity and near obligation to see this through.  I am already contributing in some weirdly influential way to this persons personal nd professional work.  Simply put, I am blown away!

I cannot deny the intensity of my curiosity, nor my fascination towards any artistic pursuit-especially into the greatly admired realm of literature and philosophy. To deny this curiosity would be the biggest expression of self denial that I could portray at this time. With all that I have been through and will go through, I haven’t lost that sense of self.  Yes, it has been distorted at times -even despised- but am not, nor will I ever, be one to shy away from the chance to grow and learn.  Wherever it shall lead, and however long it shall last, it will be an adventure for sure!  Any pain, or confusion, or frustration, (even happiness) that may result from this dynamic is merely another facet of this wonderfully awful companion we call Life.

Wish me luck!

Wish me luck!

Passion and the Heart That Melts

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Once there was a little spark named passion.

This little spark was drifting long one day until he came upon a heart, frozen in a thick block of ice.

Passion was instantly concerned! The poor heart was all alone and helpless!

So Passion decided that he would keep the heart company from now on.

Every day after Passion would come and sit next to the heart.

Without fail he would arrive in the morning and remain there, sparking until night had fallen. He wouldn’t move, wouldn’t speak, but he remained just the same.

Eventually month after month of his tenderness towards the heart had begun to pay off.

The heart had slowly begun to melt!

When he returned to his usual spot on one ordinary day, the heart was there with not a bit of ice left!

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Passion was so happy! He began to dance and dance until he grew and grew and finally he became a bright, billowy flame!

He was so overcome with delight he rushed to embrace the little heart and quickly enveloped her. They began to pulsate wildly!

The two began to radiate in a blast of colours and sensations!

The heart glowed and glowed and glowed until eventually she began to cool down.

As the light faded, from the explosion emerged a lone heart composed of the brightest and purest diamond ever seen.

From now until the end of time she would be alone no more. Her friendship with Passion would never die.

Heart_Diamond

The Monogamy Complex

I’d like to start things off with a little blunt honesty. I guess I can be more honest here since it feels like I’m essentially talking to myself. Although, some of the biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves so take that as you will. I’ve decided to share a little something else about me because, well, simply because I can.

Oh, really?

Oh, really?

Sometimes I smoke as a band-aid, often out of loneliness or despondency.  Sometimes I smoke when I have an idea that I can’t put into words or when I need to express myself in some fashion. Please refrain from judgement; all of the arguments that have been presented in opposition of it have all been considered. I know the stigma surrounding it, I know what the smoke may do to me, but it helps-really.  The past week and a half I’ve finally seen myself in a normal view for the first time.  I finally realized that I had finally become an adult (and a rather attractive one at that)   I finally started seeing the benefits of my life’s work: I was finally healthy- and not in regards to the size that I currently am- after it it spent years in the making.

I guess that kind of leads me into wanting to discuss relationships.  I mean, I just don’t really get them some days.  The more restrictions you put on someone, the less likely you are to adhere to them. For the second time in my life, I find myself somehow dissatisfied with my current relationship.

I don’t know why for the life of me.  He’s what I’ve always hoped to find; He’s very intelligent,  quite attractive, and –surprisingly- finds me attractive. I mean isn’t that the ideal? To be comfortable and safe designated only for each other? I don’t know, I guess I just don’t want to hear any more about what’s ‘typical’, I don’t have that narrow view of what is considered ‘acceptable love- as long as they are all consenting adults. I don’t want some sweeping romance; that’s just not my bag, man.

faux-fur-purse

Not my bag.

I don’t feel that I need a relationship; it doesn’t make me who I am.  I’m not afraid to be lonely; it can be a very wonderful thing to have the ability to be comfortable with yourself.   So if I do decide to connect with another human being it will have to be a very good reason.  I guess I was just so psyched at first that someone actually thought me attractive and enjoyed my company.

My previous relationship had finally ended its four-year reign. I had started it when I was 14/15 -ish, basically a child. I was not the same person at all after 4 years.  I wanted to progress, to grow and find a place for myself and to have a fulfilling career, but I was stuck with someone who didn’t share that desire.   I could go on about what all issues we had– family, open-mindedness, less of a desire to grow- but I don’t regret any of it.  How could I?  It made me who I am now- for better or for worse- and it will continue to have some role in how I have developed. I know myself better, and am more at ease for expressing myself and my wants.

I guess, that’s not the case now, though.  I’m not sure what I want to do, or what should do.  I do love him, and I want to continue to be connected with him. I just don’t think I can be with someone who doesn’t want for me the same that I want for myself.  Particularly someone so angry and cynical, which is usually the exact opposite of how I am. Someone who loves guns and being hateful to people just to get a reaction out of them. Despite the acceptance I receive from him, I can’t help but feel that something is off.  I care about other people, I don’t like to see anyone in pain- it feels like it’s tearing me apart as well. So, I want to do whatever is within my power to ease that burden.  I don’t know if this is something that I am ever successful at, but I want to try.  At any rate, I have previously had to make a decision that was entirely in my self-interest.

Yes!

Yes!

As difficult as that was, I finally put my own desires before my fear of hurting someone.   I want to be able to connect with more people.  I connect best with people I like, by getting close to them ( physically and mentally). Really, you may have that type of connection with several people in your lifetime. Are you going to ignore anyone else that you care about that much? No, not just simple attraction, but a desire to really know that person. True empathy with another  comes so rarely, that shouldn’t we savor it while it’s within our grasp?  It’s not one of those things that generally happens every day.  Again, -age, size, race, gender- it’s not like you do yourself a service when you repress how you feel towards another person.  It seems like that would be obvious, but so many people do it-myself included. This connection is like a soft breeze that ignites the sparks within us. When that breeze begins to stir, we should let it wash over us, not turn our backs to it.

Maybe I’m just crazy, though.   Maybe this doesn’t really make sense when I explain it.  Just try to make the most of the limited time you have in this universe. We should all be free to  connect to whomever we want to, in whatever manner we so desire.   Married or single, monogamous or not, we should just do what makes us happy. Yes, I am a believer in polyamory- the ability to have a deep, loving connection with more than one individual.  I don’t, however, feel that it should come at someone else’s expense. “Do what you will, but harm none” is, in nutshell, my philosophy.

Whew, that was long-winded, much more than what I expected. I’ve just been so overwhelmed lately, and I discovered that writing is such a release for my inner-self – some way that I can express it. I want to improve my ability to perceive to world around me and to elevate the level of eloquence in which I can describe it. However, I did detect a severe lack of Alan Rickman in this post. Too severe for my taste, so here you go!

I came.

I came.

Hot and Cold: Emotional Disconnect Between the Genders

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I’ve recently contemplated a certain trend when it comes to relationships nowadays.  Men and women both have these labels and characteristics attached to them based on their sex. Men are emotionally distant, uncommitted, not family-oriented, and fickle.  Women are clingy, emotionally motivated, jealous, and family-focused. These stereotypes are a result on how men and women differ in the way to react to relationships and emotions. I just want to give my suggestions on why women are considered possessive and crazy-while men are unemotional and insensitive- and how these relationships are destined for failure.

While men often get complacent and satisfied at one level of the relationship, women often feel insecure.  They feel most secure at the beginning phase of a relationship, when the excitement overpowers the reality. Therefore, in order to feel confident, they want the relationship to remain in that “honeymoon” like stage- ex. going out often, cuddling, having long talks, making doe eyes every second.  As the man sinks into the secure mode, the woman tries to cling on the overly lovey elements, she comes off as clingy or annoying to the man.  This dismissal leads to women to feel even more insecure and emotional, causing outbursts.  This further confuses the man, and begins an endless cycle back and forth until the relationship collapses or they obtain help of some sort. At the same time, the woman may need further validation.  Like a drug, she needs more and more collateral in the relationship, more assurance of the man’s commitment.  This is probably why women are likely to want to move-in, get married, or have children much sooner than the man.  They subconsciously feel that they have a time limit on the relationship.

However, it is not the fault of the man, nor is it the woman to blame. We are simply wired differently, progress on different levels in different areas. Women need more frequent validation about the relationship and commitment and men simply don’t.  They feel as if they are happy at the level they are and generally cannot understand the woman’s concern. Obviously this isn’t sex-specific.  Men can be the ‘clingy’ ones and women can be ‘emotionally detached’ and to varying degrees. This is simply an observation on a particular trend and my critique of it. Countless couples fail to recognize this occurrence, and even less consider its origin. If two people, no matter the gender, cannot find a compromise between these levels, the relationship will inevitably fail. All couples experience this, but not all successfully fix it. The dealing of this issue is entirely up to you.  Nothing is concrete in the matters of human emotions, and everyone is different. Just something to consider, recognize, and prevent.