My Life in Motion: Diary of an Unrefined Soul

I know that it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I guess I’m going through a bit of a dry spell( in more ways than one).  I’d like to get my writing kind of kick-started again by writing a simple journal past.  I mean, that’s all that blogging boils down to- blogging your thoughts, right?  Well, I hope so at any rate…

My life is insane- simply put.  This past year (or even the past 2-3) has changed all of my previous conceptions and ways of viewing life. Only two relationships, one 4 year and another 1.5 year term, and I have grown so much since then.   I still give into my impulses, I still binge/purges, I still have trouble eating, and I still have self-loathing and insecurities.  Yet, I’m more grown, more happy, more myself than I have ever been.  I have gained a sense of confidence and sense of self that I thought impossible to achieve.

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I’m almost there…

I’m pretty hot shit.  I don’t say that to be conceited or arrogant- although to a certain degree that naturally comes with confidence.  I’m ok with that though.  Tying into my previous post on Vanity and Modesty, I think my view on this matter is quite clear.  This past relationship has made this all the more obvious to me.  If you find yourself in a relationship that causes more doubt(not the good kind) and pain than would occur otherwise, there really is no sense in remaining in that situation.  There is no logic- again, I understand that there is no logic in matters of the heart and human expression- and no legitimate reason for it.  Although, as a recently viewed movie so eloquently put it: “We accept the love that we think we deserve.”

The accuracy of this statement is actually baffling.  Other than the questionability of the word “deserve”, this quote strictly refers to the perceived necessity of another’s love and acceptance versus self-love.  The only love we really deserve is our own. Cheesy? Maybe.  True? Most assuredly. We are the only person whose actions we have any control over, the only feelings and thoughts we can ever truly know.  Yet,  in that stark, blunt honesty we find ourselves shying away from it.  Again, just baffling, isn’t it?

Now, even with all of my self-hate and uncertainty, I have no fear of being alone.  I accept myself as I am- damaged, scared, weird, and just plain unique- and I do not need any other man (or woman, I suppose) to make me feel that.  Because, having another person in my life isn’t going to change who I am not in the most intimate and frighteningly honest of ways.  Although, I certainly do have a fear of commitment and love- I realize this.  At the same time, I don’t need another’s acceptance to go on living.  And neither do you!

Yes, you are!

Yes, you are!

Rant aside, I find myself in a situation that just shocks and frightens me beyond measure.  Two men- both of whom  harboured feelings for quite some time( one reasonably older and the other quite a bit older)- have decided that they reciprocate these feelings. Slightly suspicious, absolutely shocked, and -ultimately- flattered, I just can’t fathom the events in my life that led me to this point.  Maybe it is this new found sense of self, this new power that I have come into.  That in and of itself is terrifying.

In part this comes from the empowering nature of severing myself from a stagnant relationship.  I was in a relationship with someone whom I loved and cared for very much, but needs needs just were not attended to.  Yes, I mean this almost entirely in a sexual way.  And yes, I understand that sex is not the most important aspect of a relationship.  However, if two people cannot be together in the most intimate and honest form of expression known to humankind, then what is left?

prepare your anus

Problem solved.

Sweet words and empty promises?  I don’t want to hear how attractive I am, and how much you want to be with me if the actions continuously fall short.  I have deeply rooted self-hate and a distorted body image, and continuous rejection from someone who says that they do find me attractive they just, you know, don’t want to do anything physical with me more than a few times a month and in the same exact way and will not let me explore different ways of pleasing them (nothing weird or kinky, I swear).  I don’t think that’s too much to fucking ask from someone. Not to mention that I can’t force myself to be with someone who does not like my closest friend or my family, “allow” me to go out and be with friends(particularly guy friends) or even talk to me ex(who happens to be one of the closest people to me and which no animosity or desire remains) .  Yeeeeaah, that’s a no-go.  I have a car, I’m going to see the people that I love the most in the world- that I never see- as often as I can. Sorry…well actually no.  I’m not.

I think, in part, I’m just fed up with serious relationships.  Again, I’ve only been in two and have little worldly experience, but I’d rather just separate myself from that kind of  intense, serious, ready-to-settle romance. All I want is passion and desire and physical expression in its purest form.  I don’t want some sweeping, epic romance- that shit’s for queers and sparkly vampires.

My love...

….. I’m out.

I want honesty, open expression without rejection, I want someone who not just accepts me but also accepts my friends and family. And, continuing this path of stark honesty- I just want to have great sex.  Sex with someone who is just as into it as I am- who is just as ardently desirous of creating a fantastic experience as I am. As my best friend/sister so bluntly put it: I just want to get fucked.   I guess that’s true in a sense. I mean hell, the best orgasm that I can recall having was because of masturbation(an extremely new concept to me and one that I encourage everyone to participate in.)   I will repeat, I openly encourage masturbation.  Man or woman, whether you’re in a relationship or not, it’s just a better way to know your body and what you like.  And it helps work your imagination and fuels desire like no one’s business.

Anyway, I’m not going to go, you know, whore around.  That’s not me to any degree. But, I’m not going to go out searching for some…thing that society is perpetually telling me that I need to strive for.  Simply put, I want a deep, honest connection with someone.  Age is irrelevant, as is size, race, and even gender. Side note: I may or may not be bisexual.  Fuck if I know, I’m simply attracted to masculinity, intelligence, and humour.  That’s the only certain thing in regards to my perceived sexuality- which is probably 80% heterosexual.  Okay, rant over.  On with Life!

EDIT:  I’m not as bitter as I had previously written.  I realize now that my previous relationship had equipped me with more tools than I had ever known.  I will write more about the previous events- unfortunate though they are- as I come to terms with how my life has recently unfolded. I still care deeply about my ex and though I cannot be responsible for his actions, I will do my utmost to be there if he should need it.

Life has these bittersweet moments that we can either wallow in or progress from.  It’s all a matter of perspective.

RePost: What’s a muse?

Cristian Mihai : What’s a muse?.

Brilliantly articulated!  I don’t think I could have said it any better myself, and probably would have seemed all the more foolish for tying. Not, however, for a lack of accuracy in my words, but that the nature of the Muse is so abstract -so complex- that only one with adequate experience could do justice to it.  It’s just one of those surreal concepts that you can feel and understand so ardently, yet are unable to explain to someone less inclined towards such fancies.

I have gained a bit of insight into a current relationship situation that I have been mulling over(more details in my next post) in the reading of the above post.  I am startlingly ( or maybe not so startling when I think deeply on it)  that I have become another’s Muse, in one of the more intimate senses of the word.  While this particular situation can be loaded with implications and/or possibilities, I feel a sense of intense curiosity and near obligation to see this through.  I am already contributing in some weirdly influential way to this persons personal nd professional work.  Simply put, I am blown away!

I cannot deny the intensity of my curiosity, nor my fascination towards any artistic pursuit-especially into the greatly admired realm of literature and philosophy. To deny this curiosity would be the biggest expression of self denial that I could portray at this time. With all that I have been through and will go through, I haven’t lost that sense of self.  Yes, it has been distorted at times -even despised- but am not, nor will I ever, be one to shy away from the chance to grow and learn.  Wherever it shall lead, and however long it shall last, it will be an adventure for sure!  Any pain, or confusion, or frustration, (even happiness) that may result from this dynamic is merely another facet of this wonderfully awful companion we call Life.

Wish me luck!

Wish me luck!

Lifeism

I am a lifeist.  Yeah, I know it sounds a bit off, but there really is no better way for me to put it.  I’m not a pessimist, I’m not an idealist, and I’m not even a realist (which often has negative connotations).  I put my faith in life simply being as it is, neither good nor bad.  As the term lifeist is still pretty foreign, I’m going to compile a list of characteristics or phrases that I feel best embody the concept of ‘lifeism’.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

  1. To love is to suffer.
  2. To grow is to suffer.
  3. To live is to suffer.
  4. But, to live is also to rejoice, even in the wake of intense suffering.
  5. This rejoicing also comes with the potential for great change
  6. The strongest loves and the greatest growths are those that coincide with pain.
  7. The sweetest fruit is that which is the hardest to grow.
  8. Life will go on, regardless of your suffering.
  9. Life is in a constant flux and nothing is ever concrete.
  10. Dichotomy is the poison of life.
  11. Life is a series of moments, each one a culmination of all your previous moments and experiences.
  12. As a result of this, there is no truly “right” or “wrong” decision. Merely the best one that you feel able to make.
  13. There is nothing to gain from regret.
  14. Learn from the past, do not dwell on it.
  15. “Those who restrain desire do so because theirs os weak enough to be restrained”
  16. “Do what you will, but harm none”
  17. Acceptance of these principles will allow you to progress

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Again, this is just a loose outline of a relatively new concept.  Well, not necessarily new, but rephrased. Like I stated above, nothing is concrete and these principles have the potential to change at any time. I’m still working through the wording on some of the concepts, but generally I like what I have so far.  I like the idea of having a moral guideline for living life, but one that is defined by your own experiences and past decisions. I’d like to think that our moral guide is constantly flowing and being shaped, never the same.  This guideline is the backbone of how we may express our inner selves.  If we don’t flow and change along with life , we will always be left wanting…will always be dissatisfied.

Lifeism is the only way that I can explain my system of beliefs and ideas.  It makes so much sense to me.  Putting my faith in life- my life and the life that I see around me- and accepting the ever- changing nature of it is the only way I can find any peace.  As much as I detest grouping and categorizing beliefs, feelings, desires, and experiences,  I like having something to grasp…something to apply to myself.  While it still needs a bit of tweaking, I think this can still be applicable to almost anyone. Lifeism: it’s all around us.

On a side note…

d16

Steadfast – A Poem

tree

A hundred bare arms reach into the sky, thin, malnourished – the blood within their limbs frozen over, paralyzed. The gracious light from which the hands feed has long vanished- the air around them, thinned and empty.

But these limbs of wood do not withdraw. They continue, continue to strain upwards, strong and hopeful. They do not care- the tree does not care- that night has draped over him, that the air bites at his flesh.

The tree reaches his arms through the black – past the frigid surroundings, past the bleak silence and haunting memories of better days- and waits. He waits for the moment when he may bathe his body in gold and fill his hands with wealth. And in his fortune he shares this bounty with all around- savouring, rejoicing, living.

For the tree is wise and knows that the dawn will come.

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I think this is my first legitimate attempt at a poem. Well, first that I felt any interest in posting. It’s rather raw, and needs some tweaking.  I’m not good with punctuation when it comes to poetry, at least when writing it. Interestingly none of the things that I call “poems” actually sound like poems.  I guess that works; I don’t want to be  poet…

I’m also having some trouble with that last line.  I had originally had “and knows that all things pass” , but that sounded cliche and didn’t feel right at all.  Any suggestions would be lovely.  Or harsh, berating criticism. You know, if that’s your shtick.

I got inspired while taking a walk to check my mail.  I noticed this tree’s branches looked like hundreds of arms shooting upward. It just didn’t seem like a tree to me, but a living thing.  I mean obviously trees are alive, but we don’t often see them as such. It’s difficult to recognize them as things that grow, breathe, and die. Not that I’m saying we should all go out and hug some trees, but you get my gist.

Also, this type of writing is good practise for me.  Not just in terms of my writing, but in how I view my surroundings and my ability to articulate my thoughts on them. My therapist has been talking a lot about changing my reality/perception, becoming a product of my own making, inner divinity- those sorts of things.

Something has changed in me, though.  I feel…different. I think I’m starting to finally realize that I am now a woman, not a girl. However, the meaning of this changes eludes me. I have no clue if I’m late to this, or if I’m arriving precisely at the time I’m supposed to.

Yes. I’m actually a wizard.

Vanity and Modesty

I think that girls- mostly the shy, modest girls- need to have just a touch more vanity in their demeanor. We live in world where women are constantly being put down, putting ourselves , and putting each other down.  For a woman to have confidence, ambition, and a touch of vanity is still being frowned upon…like we’re not worth feeling good about ourselves.

                                                We obviously don't have the best self-image...

        We obviously don’t have the best self-image…

Well, why not?  Why shouldn’t we feel good bout ourselves?  Because we’re not 10, or 30, or 50 pounds less than what other people think we should be?  Because our skin tone, or hair, or body type isn’t what public –or private- society thinks they should look? Why not just embrace our bodies for what they are- vehicles in which we explore the world that need to be strong and nourished, not beaten down.

Take me for example, I absolutely loathe my chubby tummy….I can’t stand the sight of it some days.  I don’t like it because other people – who don’t matter in my life one bit- tell me that it’s unattractive or unhealthy.  I know how strong my body is, not them.  I know that I follow a primarily veg/fruit diet with no junk food or sugary carbs.  I know that I’ve been a regular exerciser for almost two years now.  I know that I used to barely be able to walk up stairs wit out getting exhausted and now I can walk over n hour from home to campus without being flustered at all. I know that I can do workouts/exercises that most girls (and a lot of guys) would find too challenging and I can now regularly curl 15lb dumbbells, and can dead lift up to 50-60lbs.  When I sit and try to reach for my toes, I can bring my face to my shins and my chest to my knees (not that it has far too go…)

Despite all these positives-and more- I can’t help feel that I’m disgusting, and fat, and ugly. Because I have broader shoulders than a lot of women, and that my thighs are thick and still have dimples in them no matter how many squats or lunges I do, or how long I bike or do wall-sits (up to two minutes, I’m proud to say! See. a little vanity does help now and again) and that dreaded chubby tummy…  Even when I was at my all-time low as an anorexic (and with my wider body type it looked pretty misshapen) I still had a bit of cellulite and a chubby, jiggly tummy.  That’s just how my body is and I hate it most days.  Any one of us women (and many men) could tell the same tale with themselves and any body part of their choosing.  We always find ways to hate our bodies not realizing that there are people out there wishing for our body regardless of our perceived flaws- big/small breasts, curvy/straight figure, pale/dark skin, curly/straight hair, etc.

goingmad

I think this post needs some Simon Tam…

         It’s absolute insanity! Your bodies are strong enough to have brought you this far in your lives, right? All your memories, experiences, successes and failures are all been carried out by the body that you’re in-muscles, fat, “flaws”, and all.  And I’m just as guilty of bringing myself down under the guise of modesty or being humble and avoiding being proud of myself -and my body- for fear of being thought vain. I don’t know how being modest makes us better people when it causes us to disregard out triumphs and maximize our flaws. There is no strength in treating ourselves or others in that manner.

     Your body is going to be with you for the rest of your life- for better or for worse- and now is the time to make peace with it.  Keep fighting it, and we’ll just get weaker and more worn down as time goes by; cherish it and it will strengthen. Starving myself didn’t make me any happier, neither did over-exercising, or purging and cutting.  It makes me sadder, weaker, and emptier. So I’m going to keep pledging and re-pledging to take care of myself and love my body…no matter how many times I move backwards or want to harm my body. I implore you to do the same.  Share your experiences with others, move your body more, and activate your mind. Failure to tend the garden causes the crop to wilt and suffer.

I had kind of hoped that this would be more than a rant by me, but the best laid plans of mice and men…  I do hope that I had imbued this with some type of clarity, and it doesn’t seem like the angry ravings of another female on another blog.  Also, drugs.

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Hurry! Your people need you!