I know that it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I guess I’m going through a bit of a dry spell( in more ways than one). I’d like to get my writing kind of kick-started again by writing a simple journal past. I mean, that’s all that blogging boils down to- blogging your thoughts, right? Well, I hope so at any rate…
My life is insane- simply put. This past year (or even the past 2-3) has changed all of my previous conceptions and ways of viewing life. Only two relationships, one 4 year and another 1.5 year term, and I have grown so much since then. I still give into my impulses, I still binge/purges, I still have trouble eating, and I still have self-loathing and insecurities. Yet, I’m more grown, more happy, more myself than I have ever been. I have gained a sense of confidence and sense of self that I thought impossible to achieve.
I’m pretty hot shit. I don’t say that to be conceited or arrogant- although to a certain degree that naturally comes with confidence. I’m ok with that though. Tying into my previous post on Vanity and Modesty, I think my view on this matter is quite clear. This past relationship has made this all the more obvious to me. If you find yourself in a relationship that causes more doubt(not the good kind) and pain than would occur otherwise, there really is no sense in remaining in that situation. There is no logic- again, I understand that there is no logic in matters of the heart and human expression- and no legitimate reason for it. Although, as a recently viewed movie so eloquently put it: “We accept the love that we think we deserve.”
The accuracy of this statement is actually baffling. Other than the questionability of the word “deserve”, this quote strictly refers to the perceived necessity of another’s love and acceptance versus self-love. The only love we really deserve is our own. Cheesy? Maybe. True? Most assuredly. We are the only person whose actions we have any control over, the only feelings and thoughts we can ever truly know. Yet, in that stark, blunt honesty we find ourselves shying away from it. Again, just baffling, isn’t it?
Now, even with all of my self-hate and uncertainty, I have no fear of being alone. I accept myself as I am- damaged, scared, weird, and just plain unique- and I do not need any other man (or woman, I suppose) to make me feel that. Because, having another person in my life isn’t going to change who I am not in the most intimate and frighteningly honest of ways. Although, I certainly do have a fear of commitment and love- I realize this. At the same time, I don’t need another’s acceptance to go on living. And neither do you!
Rant aside, I find myself in a situation that just shocks and frightens me beyond measure. Two men- both of whom harboured feelings for quite some time( one reasonably older and the other quite a bit older)- have decided that they reciprocate these feelings. Slightly suspicious, absolutely shocked, and -ultimately- flattered, I just can’t fathom the events in my life that led me to this point. Maybe it is this new found sense of self, this new power that I have come into. That in and of itself is terrifying.
In part this comes from the empowering nature of severing myself from a stagnant relationship. I was in a relationship with someone whom I loved and cared for very much, but needs needs just were not attended to. Yes, I mean this almost entirely in a sexual way. And yes, I understand that sex is not the most important aspect of a relationship. However, if two people cannot be together in the most intimate and honest form of expression known to humankind, then what is left?
Sweet words and empty promises? I don’t want to hear how attractive I am, and how much you want to be with me if the actions continuously fall short. I have deeply rooted self-hate and a distorted body image, and continuous rejection from someone who says that they do find me attractive they just, you know, don’t want to do anything physical with me more than a few times a month and in the same exact way and will not let me explore different ways of pleasing them (nothing weird or kinky, I swear). I don’t think that’s too much to fucking ask from someone. Not to mention that I can’t force myself to be with someone who does not like my closest friend or my family, “allow” me to go out and be with friends(particularly guy friends) or even talk to me ex(who happens to be one of the closest people to me and which no animosity or desire remains) . Yeeeeaah, that’s a no-go. I have a car, I’m going to see the people that I love the most in the world- that I never see- as often as I can. Sorry…well actually no. I’m not.
I think, in part, I’m just fed up with serious relationships. Again, I’ve only been in two and have little worldly experience, but I’d rather just separate myself from that kind of intense, serious, ready-to-settle romance. All I want is passion and desire and physical expression in its purest form. I don’t want some sweeping, epic romance- that shit’s for queers and sparkly vampires.
I want honesty, open expression without rejection, I want someone who not just accepts me but also accepts my friends and family. And, continuing this path of stark honesty- I just want to have great sex. Sex with someone who is just as into it as I am- who is just as ardently desirous of creating a fantastic experience as I am. As my best friend/sister so bluntly put it: I just want to get fucked. I guess that’s true in a sense. I mean hell, the best orgasm that I can recall having was because of masturbation(an extremely new concept to me and one that I encourage everyone to participate in.) I will repeat, I openly encourage masturbation. Man or woman, whether you’re in a relationship or not, it’s just a better way to know your body and what you like. And it helps work your imagination and fuels desire like no one’s business.
Anyway, I’m not going to go, you know, whore around. That’s not me to any degree. But, I’m not going to go out searching for some…thing that society is perpetually telling me that I need to strive for. Simply put, I want a deep, honest connection with someone. Age is irrelevant, as is size, race, and even gender. Side note: I may or may not be bisexual. Fuck if I know, I’m simply attracted to masculinity, intelligence, and humour. That’s the only certain thing in regards to my perceived sexuality- which is probably 80% heterosexual. Okay, rant over. On with Life!
EDIT: I’m not as bitter as I had previously written. I realize now that my previous relationship had equipped me with more tools than I had ever known. I will write more about the previous events- unfortunate though they are- as I come to terms with how my life has recently unfolded. I still care deeply about my ex and though I cannot be responsible for his actions, I will do my utmost to be there if he should need it.
Life has these bittersweet moments that we can either wallow in or progress from. It’s all a matter of perspective.