I’d like to start things off with a little blunt honesty. I guess I can be more honest here since it feels like I’m essentially talking to myself. Although, some of the biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves so take that as you will. I’ve decided to share a little something else about me because, well, simply because I can.
Sometimes I smoke as a band-aid, often out of loneliness or despondency. Sometimes I smoke when I have an idea that I can’t put into words or when I need to express myself in some fashion. Please refrain from judgement; all of the arguments that have been presented in opposition of it have all been considered. I know the stigma surrounding it, I know what the smoke may do to me, but it helps-really. The past week and a half I’ve finally seen myself in a normal view for the first time. I finally realized that I had finally become an adult (and a rather attractive one at that) I finally started seeing the benefits of my life’s work: I was finally healthy- and not in regards to the size that I currently am- after it it spent years in the making.
I guess that kind of leads me into wanting to discuss relationships. I mean, I just don’t really get them some days. The more restrictions you put on someone, the less likely you are to adhere to them. For the second time in my life, I find myself somehow dissatisfied with my current relationship.
I don’t know why for the life of me. He’s what I’ve always hoped to find; He’s very intelligent, quite attractive, and –surprisingly- finds me attractive. I mean isn’t that the ideal? To be comfortable and safe designated only for each other? I don’t know, I guess I just don’t want to hear any more about what’s ‘typical’, I don’t have that narrow view of what is considered ‘acceptable love- as long as they are all consenting adults. I don’t want some sweeping romance; that’s just not my bag, man.
Not my bag.
I don’t feel that I need a relationship; it doesn’t make me who I am. I’m not afraid to be lonely; it can be a very wonderful thing to have the ability to be comfortable with yourself. So if I do decide to connect with another human being it will have to be a very good reason. I guess I was just so psyched at first that someone actually thought me attractive and enjoyed my company.
My previous relationship had finally ended its four-year reign. I had started it when I was 14/15 -ish, basically a child. I was not the same person at all after 4 years. I wanted to progress, to grow and find a place for myself and to have a fulfilling career, but I was stuck with someone who didn’t share that desire. I could go on about what all issues we had– family, open-mindedness, less of a desire to grow- but I don’t regret any of it. How could I? It made me who I am now- for better or for worse- and it will continue to have some role in how I have developed. I know myself better, and am more at ease for expressing myself and my wants.
I guess, that’s not the case now, though. I’m not sure what I want to do, or what should do. I do love him, and I want to continue to be connected with him. I just don’t think I can be with someone who doesn’t want for me the same that I want for myself. Particularly someone so angry and cynical, which is usually the exact opposite of how I am. Someone who loves guns and being hateful to people just to get a reaction out of them. Despite the acceptance I receive from him, I can’t help but feel that something is off. I care about other people, I don’t like to see anyone in pain- it feels like it’s tearing me apart as well. So, I want to do whatever is within my power to ease that burden. I don’t know if this is something that I am ever successful at, but I want to try. At any rate, I have previously had to make a decision that was entirely in my self-interest.
As difficult as that was, I finally put my own desires before my fear of hurting someone. I want to be able to connect with more people. I connect best with people I like, by getting close to them ( physically and mentally). Really, you may have that type of connection with several people in your lifetime. Are you going to ignore anyone else that you care about that much? No, not just simple attraction, but a desire to really know that person. True empathy with another comes so rarely, that shouldn’t we savor it while it’s within our grasp? It’s not one of those things that generally happens every day. Again, -age, size, race, gender- it’s not like you do yourself a service when you repress how you feel towards another person. It seems like that would be obvious, but so many people do it-myself included. This connection is like a soft breeze that ignites the sparks within us. When that breeze begins to stir, we should let it wash over us, not turn our backs to it.
Maybe I’m just crazy, though. Maybe this doesn’t really make sense when I explain it. Just try to make the most of the limited time you have in this universe. We should all be free to connect to whomever we want to, in whatever manner we so desire. Married or single, monogamous or not, we should just do what makes us happy. Yes, I am a believer in polyamory- the ability to have a deep, loving connection with more than one individual. I don’t, however, feel that it should come at someone else’s expense. “Do what you will, but harm none” is, in nutshell, my philosophy.
Whew, that was long-winded, much more than what I expected. I’ve just been so overwhelmed lately, and I discovered that writing is such a release for my inner-self – some way that I can express it. I want to improve my ability to perceive to world around me and to elevate the level of eloquence in which I can describe it. However, I did detect a severe lack of Alan Rickman in this post. Too severe for my taste, so here you go!