RePost: What’s a muse?

Cristian Mihai : What’s a muse?.

Brilliantly articulated!  I don’t think I could have said it any better myself, and probably would have seemed all the more foolish for tying. Not, however, for a lack of accuracy in my words, but that the nature of the Muse is so abstract -so complex- that only one with adequate experience could do justice to it.  It’s just one of those surreal concepts that you can feel and understand so ardently, yet are unable to explain to someone less inclined towards such fancies.

I have gained a bit of insight into a current relationship situation that I have been mulling over(more details in my next post) in the reading of the above post.  I am startlingly ( or maybe not so startling when I think deeply on it)  that I have become another’s Muse, in one of the more intimate senses of the word.  While this particular situation can be loaded with implications and/or possibilities, I feel a sense of intense curiosity and near obligation to see this through.  I am already contributing in some weirdly influential way to this persons personal nd professional work.  Simply put, I am blown away!

I cannot deny the intensity of my curiosity, nor my fascination towards any artistic pursuit-especially into the greatly admired realm of literature and philosophy. To deny this curiosity would be the biggest expression of self denial that I could portray at this time. With all that I have been through and will go through, I haven’t lost that sense of self.  Yes, it has been distorted at times -even despised- but am not, nor will I ever, be one to shy away from the chance to grow and learn.  Wherever it shall lead, and however long it shall last, it will be an adventure for sure!  Any pain, or confusion, or frustration, (even happiness) that may result from this dynamic is merely another facet of this wonderfully awful companion we call Life.

Wish me luck!

Wish me luck!


Vanity and Modesty

I think that girls- mostly the shy, modest girls- need to have just a touch more vanity in their demeanor. We live in world where women are constantly being put down, putting ourselves , and putting each other down.  For a woman to have confidence, ambition, and a touch of vanity is still being frowned upon…like we’re not worth feeling good about ourselves.

                                                We obviously don't have the best self-image...

        We obviously don’t have the best self-image…

Well, why not?  Why shouldn’t we feel good bout ourselves?  Because we’re not 10, or 30, or 50 pounds less than what other people think we should be?  Because our skin tone, or hair, or body type isn’t what public –or private- society thinks they should look? Why not just embrace our bodies for what they are- vehicles in which we explore the world that need to be strong and nourished, not beaten down.

Take me for example, I absolutely loathe my chubby tummy….I can’t stand the sight of it some days.  I don’t like it because other people – who don’t matter in my life one bit- tell me that it’s unattractive or unhealthy.  I know how strong my body is, not them.  I know that I follow a primarily veg/fruit diet with no junk food or sugary carbs.  I know that I’ve been a regular exerciser for almost two years now.  I know that I used to barely be able to walk up stairs wit out getting exhausted and now I can walk over n hour from home to campus without being flustered at all. I know that I can do workouts/exercises that most girls (and a lot of guys) would find too challenging and I can now regularly curl 15lb dumbbells, and can dead lift up to 50-60lbs.  When I sit and try to reach for my toes, I can bring my face to my shins and my chest to my knees (not that it has far too go…)

Despite all these positives-and more- I can’t help feel that I’m disgusting, and fat, and ugly. Because I have broader shoulders than a lot of women, and that my thighs are thick and still have dimples in them no matter how many squats or lunges I do, or how long I bike or do wall-sits (up to two minutes, I’m proud to say! See. a little vanity does help now and again) and that dreaded chubby tummy…  Even when I was at my all-time low as an anorexic (and with my wider body type it looked pretty misshapen) I still had a bit of cellulite and a chubby, jiggly tummy.  That’s just how my body is and I hate it most days.  Any one of us women (and many men) could tell the same tale with themselves and any body part of their choosing.  We always find ways to hate our bodies not realizing that there are people out there wishing for our body regardless of our perceived flaws- big/small breasts, curvy/straight figure, pale/dark skin, curly/straight hair, etc.


I think this post needs some Simon Tam…

         It’s absolute insanity! Your bodies are strong enough to have brought you this far in your lives, right? All your memories, experiences, successes and failures are all been carried out by the body that you’re in-muscles, fat, “flaws”, and all.  And I’m just as guilty of bringing myself down under the guise of modesty or being humble and avoiding being proud of myself -and my body- for fear of being thought vain. I don’t know how being modest makes us better people when it causes us to disregard out triumphs and maximize our flaws. There is no strength in treating ourselves or others in that manner.

     Your body is going to be with you for the rest of your life- for better or for worse- and now is the time to make peace with it.  Keep fighting it, and we’ll just get weaker and more worn down as time goes by; cherish it and it will strengthen. Starving myself didn’t make me any happier, neither did over-exercising, or purging and cutting.  It makes me sadder, weaker, and emptier. So I’m going to keep pledging and re-pledging to take care of myself and love my body…no matter how many times I move backwards or want to harm my body. I implore you to do the same.  Share your experiences with others, move your body more, and activate your mind. Failure to tend the garden causes the crop to wilt and suffer.

I had kind of hoped that this would be more than a rant by me, but the best laid plans of mice and men…  I do hope that I had imbued this with some type of clarity, and it doesn’t seem like the angry ravings of another female on another blog.  Also, drugs.


Hurry! Your people need you!