Interpretive Incest: The Brother-Sister Dynamic in Action

Despite the physical/mental abuse from my mother to my brother, our father’s abandonment, my brother’s failed marriage, and my struggles with relationships- we’ve retained that important brother-sister bond. And, logically we would make it inappropriate, weird, and –again- mildly incestuous.  I’m OK with this, and I fully embrace the absurdity. Although there are still –understandably- more elements to consider, I’ve gained so much insight just from writing this.  I don’t know how, or even why, I despised writing all these years; it’s wonderfully therapeutic.

Do any of you have siblings?  Ideally the answer is “yes”.  Why else would you care to read this?  How many of you are close to at least one of your siblings- I mean, pretty close?  Are there ever any sexually awkward moments between you two?  Now, I don’t mean incestuous sexual elements…well, maybe I do. All our day-to-day interactions with others contain loads of sexual tension, whether individual or combined.  It would only make sense that interactions with our siblings are even more privy to that. No, I don’t mean legitimate sexual desire between siblings (though it does happen), but that weird, unspoken awkwardness when saying anything around your siblings that involves your- or their-  love life. Just that little twinge you feel when your brother or sister says something that you immediately internalize. I think this type of dynamic is more common with siblings of opposing sexes. It gets a little awkward when  these siblings discuss things pertaining to their relationships and sex in general.

This is sort of what it feels like….sometimes

Freud proposed that any incestuous tendencies or implications could be traced to childhood sexual abuse, specifically from the relative being discussed. While truthful in many cases, I oppose the notion that the abuse needs to be sexual in nature. The same is often said of those with eating disorders and I’m certainly an exception to that. Furthermore, that the abuse must have been caused by the sibling/relative in question is far from being a blanket statement. My brother and I rapidly bonded from mental and physical abuse/neglect from our parents- much like a relationship spawned from mutually experienced grief. I’m pretty sure I’m on to something- something personal, yet extremely common.

 I’d like to think that I’m close to my brother.  Not everyday communication close, but…enough.  We’ve had our long bouts of distance – physical and emotional- and we don’t live very close anymore.  However, he’s so much like me that I can’t help but feel that we’ll always be close.  “Well, duh! You’re brother and sister!”  Right. Unfortunately, sibling rivalry is extremely common and can last long into adulthood.  I’d like to think- though perhaps wrongfully- that any of our residual anger or bitterness is directed at our parents as opposed to each other.  It may not even be consciously acknowledged, but is likely there.  With this mutual “enemy” we have gotten closer in recent years, hanging out a bit more and talking about more personal subjects. These discussions leads right into this weird, awkward, mildly incestuous place- not willingly, but often hilariously.

Part of this recent closeness can be attributed to a decline in my brother’s marital status.  He’s divorced now, but the past year or two has been increasingly difficult for him. Perhaps he drifted – only naturally- to his more empathetic sister instead of his unstable mother for support.  Maybe it was subconscious, maybe it was conscious, maybe it was Maybelline.  I don’t know; I’m not a damn therapist.  At any rate, this drifting towards me was a result of failings within the realm of marriage and sexual tension with his wife. Even now, many of the times hang out are often during some type of relationship issue.  When he needs to forget or distract himself from these issues, I’m pretty sure hanging out with me is one of the preferred method.  It’s even an ego thing, it just…is.  So, there’s the sexual dynamic from his perspective – in the midst of sexual and relationship tensions, the natural gravitation is towards his sister?  I mean, I’m legitimately asking; I have no fucking clue..

But, that’s OK…

On my end, I’ve always had a slight envy towards my brother.  He had a lot of the qualities that I wish I could integrate into my persona and he was always the type of person whom I wished would be my friend. In our earlier years ( I was about 12/13, he 15/16) I experienced jealousy towards some of the girls he “dated”.  I don’t think it was that weirdly desirous type of jealousy -no Ferdinand/Duchess dynamic here. But, some elements of sexual confusion were certainly there.  I was just heading into puberty, he was on his way out, my mom was cheating on my dad every night, they were “separated”, yet living in the same apartment, I entered new school, no friends/peer harassment on my part- all of these elements came out in this time.  And, although we were on two entirely different paths at the time, we grew so much closer than we ever had been.  Mind you, he used to try to kill me- yes, legitimately- in our childhood, so any improvement would have been smashing.

This was about the time my battle with food began.  At this phase of my life (and until I was 18) I was a compulsive and emotional over eater   I filled the void left from my peers and my parents with constant eating/snacking, books…and my cat.  The formation of an eating disorder coupled with a blossoming sexuality led to so much damn confusion.  Oddly enough- or maybe not so odd considering the nature of this post- my brother was the only one I had close to me during these years.  When I was finally coming into , um, womanhood it wasn’t my mom (or awkwardly, my father) who was there for me- it was my brother.  I can never thank him enough and, although I am frequently unable to express it, he is very close to me. Although, I think that’s one of the more brilliant elements- we don’t need to express it because it’s simply understood.

Reminiscing aside, it’s actually much clearer now why I have this distant –yet remarkably close- relationship with my brother.  We embrace the awkwardness when we discuss sexual frustrations, find comfort in the blatant innuendos, revel in our inappropriateness, and enjoy the discomfort that all of this brings others.  As I have read, quite some time ago, in some dank corner of the internet: “Incest is WIN-cest!” I embrace the nature of our relationship, and the interpretations it can incite with others.  What could be better than questioning preconceived notions of society?

“Down With the Dick!” or: The Power of Female Sexuality in Literature

What does the phrase “true love” mean?  No, really.  I don’t mean the all-encompassing, sweeping, romantic type of love.  I mean just the particular word combination.  True and love are both positive things. Truth implies honesty, as does love…Love is truth.  To love is to reveal some part of yourself, even if it’s just a personal revelation.  Using the phrase true love is much like the concept of free will.  It’s a double-positive, and it’s unnecessary.   Maybe I’m just being nitpicky, but these types of word phrasing just irritate me now.  They don’t mean what many think they mean, and they’re much too restricting. Just a thought to consider.   I first came upon this realization while looking at a shirt that I own.  It has a quote from A Midsummer’s Night Dream: “The course of true love never did run smooth”. It just stood out to me for some reason.  Anyway…

Since this post is about female empowerment it seemed only logical to add as much male homosexuality as necessary.

On to the main reason for this post: male progression as a result of female intervention by way of their sexuality.  Specifically I want to address this theme as it appears in literature or myth. I have a few images I’m excited to delve into. But, there are  countless others;  It’ll probably be better to breeze through a few general ideas and then later get into the denser material. First up is the classic tale of King Arthur.

Primarily, I’m interested in how Arthur got his power.  His power essentially came from finding and wielding Excalibur.  Now, if that’s not a symbol for male sexuality I don’t know what is.  I mean, he can only rightfully rule his kingdom when he possesses his, um, sword?  His sword is his manhood and, in turn, his divine right to rule.  Pretty patriarchal message, eh?  But, wait, there’s more!  His sword, dominant though it is, was given to him by none other than the Lady of the Lake.   Essentially his power- his sexuality- would all amount to nothing without this mysterious woman. Even within this myth –written in a very patriarchal, religious time-period- has feminist implications. It does warrant consideration.

Looking back on this story after all these years, it’s baffling…and hilarious.  It gets more interesting when his “true love”, Guinevere, has an affair with Lancelot, his closest companion.  According to common lore and translations, this results – perhaps indirectly- to the fall of Arthur’s kingdom. So, I suppose that Arthur’s kingdom, his “manhood” is taken from him by a woman.  Not just that, but his closest male follower was seduced by this same woman.  Never mind this subversion of the concept of “true love”, but the situation amuses me to no end.  So much power is wielded by these women- these mysterious, background women that grasp Excalibur at the hilt.  It’s just plain weird looking back at this and realizing all of these subtle – or not so subtle- elements of feminism in literature that is often regarded as male-dominated. Arguably this is a myth, and one that has been re-told countless times throughout the centuries, the earliest versions contain these elements.

Not this

Likewise, in The Duchess of Malfi the tone is overtly feminist.  The Duchess, widowed at the beginning if the play, is just now coming to terms with the ability to finally enact her own will. This assertion of her will is the driving force of the play.  All the men around her are reacting to this assertion of womanhood.  Her newfound lover, Antonio, is strong-armed into becoming her husband. Although, it seems like he is more the bride than she.  In awe, Antonio obeys her and agrees to be her lover.  Just this simple act of dominance- of going out and acquiring what she desires- is progressive in the extreme. Likewise, her brother -Ferdinand- is forced to act because of the Duchess’ assertiveness.  Ferdinand – other than having a deep, incestuous love for his sister- cannot comprehend that a woman is capable of taking control of her body and mind.  His thoughts are anti-feminist, but his actions are affected by his sister’s womanhood. The “dagger” that he threatens her with if she were to re-marry is just another facet of this desperate struggle to, uh, dominate her womanhood. Although all of his actions are an attempt to subdue his sister, he is ultimately a victim to her power.  Yes, she is killed near the end, but he was the one who truly suffered.  Obsession is weakened and possession cannot be achieved in the face of a strong enough Will.  And, in this case, it happens to be a woman’s Will.

Furthermore, the short story “The Storm” by Kate Chopin further embraces these feminist concepts. Calixta, the protagonist, is the embodiment of female empowerment. Her passionate –yet brief- affair with Bobinôt is a protest of the societal restrictions of her time.  Allowing herself to suspend her fear and embrace the desire. If her desire, if anyone’s desire, is so great that the culmination of said desire leads to the storm that Calixta is feeling- why the fuck would you not act upon the desire? Bobinôt is a paper sailboat in Calixta’s storm- entirely subject to her power.  This whole story is just that!  It’s an obvious protest against convention, commanded morality, and brutally imposed male sexuality.  And the result is an expression of sensations- physical and emotional- too powerful to be contained in a bland, literal context.

It very well may be

I don’t fucking know; maybe I’m getting worked up over nothing.  But damn, there just so much there!  I mean, I know these are just summaries, but I feel like I’m getting so much out of it.  That’s what really matters, I suppose. I’m definitely going to come back sometime, maybe add a paragraph on Paradise Lost, some more Shakespeare, and some Rumi….yet, there are so many stories, so much that I would love to write. Maybe I could just churn out a few pages, just going off on some weird tangents….not that I don’t do that already…  Hell, I may even do that. Spring break is next week and I have will finally have free time to breathe and to think.

…and sleep

Anyway, that’s the whole thing about relationships, isn’t it? The women wield the power more often than not.  Women are designed by nature to be more selective in partners.  This discerning nature is a biological necessity that has become deeply-rooted in our culture. Women choose to whom they give their love- the most important, sincere thing to give.  The willing gift of her body and mind, the sheathing of the sword, is more beautiful an expression than she could otherwise falsify. Obviously all of these authors realize this since it’s so painfully prominent in literature.  And it is because this power has been recognized, that women have been so subdued for hundreds – if not thousands- of years.  Women have more restrictions and taboos placed on them men ever have.  That’s just how it is.  Those who have this power are doomed to either totally seize it or relinquish it entirely.  Medea, (from the Greek play) , The Lady of the Lake, Guinevere, Duchess, Calixta, Eve, Titiana, Adrianna(A Comedy of Errors), Hermione: all of these women had, and implemented, this power. Their Love, their desire, and their Will were too great to be repressed or marginalized.

My Life in Motion: Diary of an Unrefined Soul

I know that it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I guess I’m going through a bit of a dry spell( in more ways than one).  I’d like to get my writing kind of kick-started again by writing a simple journal past.  I mean, that’s all that blogging boils down to- blogging your thoughts, right?  Well, I hope so at any rate…

My life is insane- simply put.  This past year (or even the past 2-3) has changed all of my previous conceptions and ways of viewing life. Only two relationships, one 4 year and another 1.5 year term, and I have grown so much since then.   I still give into my impulses, I still binge/purges, I still have trouble eating, and I still have self-loathing and insecurities.  Yet, I’m more grown, more happy, more myself than I have ever been.  I have gained a sense of confidence and sense of self that I thought impossible to achieve.

I’m almost there…

I’m pretty hot shit.  I don’t say that to be conceited or arrogant- although to a certain degree that naturally comes with confidence.  I’m ok with that though.  Tying into my previous post on Vanity and Modesty, I think my view on this matter is quite clear.  This past relationship has made this all the more obvious to me.  If you find yourself in a relationship that causes more doubt(not the good kind) and pain than would occur otherwise, there really is no sense in remaining in that situation.  There is no logic- again, I understand that there is no logic in matters of the heart and human expression- and no legitimate reason for it.  Although, as a recently viewed movie so eloquently put it: “We accept the love that we think we deserve.”

The accuracy of this statement is actually baffling.  Other than the questionability of the word “deserve”, this quote strictly refers to the perceived necessity of another’s love and acceptance versus self-love.  The only love we really deserve is our own. Cheesy? Maybe.  True? Most assuredly. We are the only person whose actions we have any control over, the only feelings and thoughts we can ever truly know.  Yet,  in that stark, blunt honesty we find ourselves shying away from it.  Again, just baffling, isn’t it?

Now, even with all of my self-hate and uncertainty, I have no fear of being alone.  I accept myself as I am- damaged, scared, weird, and just plain unique- and I do not need any other man (or woman, I suppose) to make me feel that.  Because, having another person in my life isn’t going to change who I am not in the most intimate and frighteningly honest of ways.  Although, I certainly do have a fear of commitment and love- I realize this.  At the same time, I don’t need another’s acceptance to go on living.  And neither do you!

Yes, you are!

Rant aside, I find myself in a situation that just shocks and frightens me beyond measure.  Two men- both of whom  harboured feelings for quite some time( one reasonably older and the other quite a bit older)- have decided that they reciprocate these feelings. Slightly suspicious, absolutely shocked, and -ultimately- flattered, I just can’t fathom the events in my life that led me to this point.  Maybe it is this new found sense of self, this new power that I have come into.  That in and of itself is terrifying.

In part this comes from the empowering nature of severing myself from a stagnant relationship.  I was in a relationship with someone whom I loved and cared for very much, but needs needs just were not attended to.  Yes, I mean this almost entirely in a sexual way.  And yes, I understand that sex is not the most important aspect of a relationship.  However, if two people cannot be together in the most intimate and honest form of expression known to humankind, then what is left?

Problem solved.

Sweet words and empty promises?  I don’t want to hear how attractive I am, and how much you want to be with me if the actions continuously fall short.  I have deeply rooted self-hate and a distorted body image, and continuous rejection from someone who says that they do find me attractive they just, you know, don’t want to do anything physical with me more than a few times a month and in the same exact way and will not let me explore different ways of pleasing them (nothing weird or kinky, I swear).  I don’t think that’s too much to fucking ask from someone. Not to mention that I can’t force myself to be with someone who does not like my closest friend or my family, “allow” me to go out and be with friends(particularly guy friends) or even talk to me ex(who happens to be one of the closest people to me and which no animosity or desire remains) .  Yeeeeaah, that’s a no-go.  I have a car, I’m going to see the people that I love the most in the world- that I never see- as often as I can. Sorry…well actually no.  I’m not.

I think, in part, I’m just fed up with serious relationships.  Again, I’ve only been in two and have little worldly experience, but I’d rather just separate myself from that kind of  intense, serious, ready-to-settle romance. All I want is passion and desire and physical expression in its purest form.  I don’t want some sweeping, epic romance- that shit’s for queers and sparkly vampires.

….. I’m out.

I want honesty, open expression without rejection, I want someone who not just accepts me but also accepts my friends and family. And, continuing this path of stark honesty- I just want to have great sex.  Sex with someone who is just as into it as I am- who is just as ardently desirous of creating a fantastic experience as I am. As my best friend/sister so bluntly put it: I just want to get fucked.   I guess that’s true in a sense. I mean hell, the best orgasm that I can recall having was because of masturbation(an extremely new concept to me and one that I encourage everyone to participate in.)   I will repeat, I openly encourage masturbation.  Man or woman, whether you’re in a relationship or not, it’s just a better way to know your body and what you like.  And it helps work your imagination and fuels desire like no one’s business.

Anyway, I’m not going to go, you know, whore around.  That’s not me to any degree. But, I’m not going to go out searching for some…thing that society is perpetually telling me that I need to strive for.  Simply put, I want a deep, honest connection with someone.  Age is irrelevant, as is size, race, and even gender. Side note: I may or may not be bisexual.  Fuck if I know, I’m simply attracted to masculinity, intelligence, and humour.  That’s the only certain thing in regards to my perceived sexuality- which is probably 80% heterosexual.  Okay, rant over.  On with Life!

EDIT:  I’m not as bitter as I had previously written.  I realize now that my previous relationship had equipped me with more tools than I had ever known.  I will write more about the previous events- unfortunate though they are- as I come to terms with how my life has recently unfolded. I still care deeply about my ex and though I cannot be responsible for his actions, I will do my utmost to be there if he should need it.

Life has these bittersweet moments that we can either wallow in or progress from.  It’s all a matter of perspective.

RePost: What’s a muse?

Cristian Mihai : What’s a muse?.

Brilliantly articulated!  I don’t think I could have said it any better myself, and probably would have seemed all the more foolish for tying. Not, however, for a lack of accuracy in my words, but that the nature of the Muse is so abstract -so complex- that only one with adequate experience could do justice to it.  It’s just one of those surreal concepts that you can feel and understand so ardently, yet are unable to explain to someone less inclined towards such fancies.

I have gained a bit of insight into a current relationship situation that I have been mulling over(more details in my next post) in the reading of the above post.  I am startlingly ( or maybe not so startling when I think deeply on it)  that I have become another’s Muse, in one of the more intimate senses of the word.  While this particular situation can be loaded with implications and/or possibilities, I feel a sense of intense curiosity and near obligation to see this through.  I am already contributing in some weirdly influential way to this persons personal nd professional work.  Simply put, I am blown away!

I cannot deny the intensity of my curiosity, nor my fascination towards any artistic pursuit-especially into the greatly admired realm of literature and philosophy. To deny this curiosity would be the biggest expression of self denial that I could portray at this time. With all that I have been through and will go through, I haven’t lost that sense of self.  Yes, it has been distorted at times -even despised- but am not, nor will I ever, be one to shy away from the chance to grow and learn.  Wherever it shall lead, and however long it shall last, it will be an adventure for sure!  Any pain, or confusion, or frustration, (even happiness) that may result from this dynamic is merely another facet of this wonderfully awful companion we call Life.

Wish me luck!

An Intense Musical Experience

I’ve recently contemplated music and how it affects my life.  I know that everyone has their own musical preferences and their own artists that speak to them, so I’d like to think that it’s universal  in nature. It has the world as its audience and influences us all in different ways.

I just went to a concert last night with my brother.  Well, and his ex-wife was there as well …awkward. Anyway, the concert was Shinedown with Three Days Grace and P.O.D. as the opening performance and we were right up by the stage!  My brother and I always go to see Three Days Grace (and Breaking Benjamin until they disbanded.  Get it? Disbanded?) when they come to town.  It’s been a tradition of ours since I was a freshman in high school.  Unfortunately, this tradition will likely end since the lead singer, Adam Gontier, has left the band indefinitely.

I know!

During one of the TDG’s songs, I had this weird moment of clarity.  I felt separated from the concert.  I was an observer, watching the audience participate in the music.  It dawned on me that hundreds of people from all different backgrounds had come together for a mutual experience. We were all united from that moment.  All of us were here to listen to music we love by the bands that impact us so greatly.  It was such a surreal moment for me. As much as we like to isolate ourselves, we can be drawn together by the purest form of expression: music.  Going to a concert of an artist you love is such a phenomenally superior experience to listening to a record. I know you all have had an experience where you really connected with someone, no matter how brief the encounter.  Just imagine that, but radically magnified- shared with hundreds or thousands of other people.  That’s what one person or group can do. They can unite us in one single purpose – one connected experience.

Sadly, this experience was somewhat dulled by the broken TDG performance.  Don’t get me wrong, the replacement singer did a great job with what he was given.  It’s just that he had no connection with the audience.  He was there to perform, not express.  When Adam is on stage, he just loves it.  He bonds with the audience( at least the Nashville audiences) and puts himself into his songs. Simply awesome.

Left to right: Barry- lead guitar, Adam-vocals, Neil- drums, Brad- bass

However, when Shinedown came on stage I was blown away.  I had never seen them on live and I was only vaguely familiar with some of their hits. But, by the heavens above, they were so static. Every band member was in their zone, they loved their music and their audience and we loved them right back.  Before they even played a song, Brent Smith (the vocalist) asked everyone in the audience to turn to their neighbors and shake hands, high-five, and form a connection.  Just that simple act of connection –which I am a total sucker for- heightened the experience. More than just loving what they were performing, they sounded amazing doing it.  Later in the performance Brent actually took a break and discussed this very concept- the unification of people through one single medium: music. Specifically, rock music, but this is applicable to any meaningful song. Anyway, Brent has fantastic voice and Zack and Eric were smashing on guitar and bass. Barry is a decent drummer, but he can’t hold a candle to TDG’s Neil Sanderson.  They really rocked it…geddit?

No? Okay…

Getting back on track, I was captivated.  The images playing in the background of their songs, the poems and stories they played between and within their songs, and their talent really cemented the experience for me.  I could feel the meaning in each of their songs.  I understood their lyrics and got something out of every song.  Their music is more positive than I expected.  It can be sad, even mournful, at times, but there is a kind of optimistic tilt  in their songs.  I’ve been so influenced by more positive, upbeat music lately.  I don’t necessarily mean poppy, fast music, but music that isn’t depressing or angry. This is why I think Shinedown is one of my new favorite bands.  Their music reflects the changes that have come over me much more accurately than my past favorites. Maybe this is just another sign of my increasing maturity and inner growth.

Or something like that…

I’m going to try to include a few videos or at least links to videos of some of their songs that stood out to me the most, but I want people to check out all the songs possible.  Like I stated at the beginning, music is subjective and a song will affect you differently than it will me.   I went to Amazon and bought their first three albums and their live CD.   It’s been more than worth it, especially the live set.  I think they are classified as alternative rock, but many of their songs resemble ballads and have a lot more positive implications than other alternative artists.

Whomever reads this post please take a minute to think of your favorite artist. Genre is irrelevant. What matters is that you really think of the one that is the most influential and inspirational to you. Find one band or person that has been there for you in your life.  Whenever you were down, who did you listen to uplift yourself?  Whose lyrics have spoken to you? Inspired you to change how you view or express things?  Why are they so important to you?  Feel free to post in the comments if you wish.  I’m always open to any new musical suggestions and eager for new discoveries.  I love hearing about people’s passions and inspirations, and maybe you will get something out of it, too!

Left to right: Zack- lead guitar, Eric- Bass, Barry- drums, Brent- vocals.

Simple Man- Shinedown

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbN99f9esS4

Save Me- Shinedown

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8dyxGiBx3g

If You Only Knew – Shinedown – One of their most well-known songs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NCDqYynUQk

Diamond Eyes- Shinedown

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hez6tDpiWDA

Her Name is Alice -Shinedown – influenced by Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHQQUH0DomI

Painting Power: Makeup as a Mating Call

Makeup is not a concept of vanity. Sure, vanity can be expressed by wearing makeup – by wanting to hide your perceived flaws. But makeup is purely a form of expression of your inner self. It’s a mating call- a way of displaying to the desired sex and others that you are sexually available. It’s just the way humans- females, specifically- portray part of your identity.

Makeup is considered a form of mating call because it is meant to draw attention to yourself.  It accentuates the features that you want people to look at. Lipstick draws the eyes to the oh-so erogenous mouth, blush simulates sexual arousal, and eye liner and mascara focus on the eyes to draw in a connection with another person. We turn to makeup to highlight these regions when we are ready to have someone to notice them and understand the sexual connotations. When we are satisfied in our current relationship or are uninterested in pursuing a relationship, we keep these features minimalized.  Bright, gaudy colours and excessive use of makeup portrays desperation or easiness, bold, plain colours tend to draw intense passion or sexual prowess, and subtle, natural-looking makeup seeks more sensitive, long-term connections.

When done correctly, makeup can enhance your natural form and structure, while expressing your interest in others. This is why I love practicing with makeup.  I have so many different kinds because I’m looking for the perfect look- the perfect combination to draw in a man’s interest.  On another level, I’m just trying to get used to using it, so the times I actually wear the whole she-bang it looks effortless and attractive.

Am I doing it right?

There’s nothing more attractive than a powerful woman, and makeup can be a way of expressing that power.  If you wear something that you think looks good on you, then you feel good.  That’s quite a powerful force.  It’s flattering when a confident, radiant woman is interested in a man(or a woman).  No, really. It’s power because it we are exhibiting a form of control of our inner and outer selves . We are expressing a desire to be noticed, to be unique.  The more creative you are with your display, the more likely you are to feel power. After all, it is a skill just like anything else.  It’s almost like art form. Actually, it is an art form and it represents inner power.  I have this power and you do, too.

I just now realized-after delving into my makeup stash to begin my ritual- what I was subconsciously doing.  I’m ready to announce that I have become sexually interested again, even though I had had no idea.  It makes sense, though. Considering that my relationship is severely lacking in the sex department, I would logically try to find fulfillment somewhere else.  Expressing my concerns and desires does nothing. He just gets irritated or dismissive.  I subconsciously was trying to find that fulfillment in another person.  Not that I recognize this, I guess I’m pretty okay with it.  I’m not finding my needs satisfied where I am now and my mind is all “well, maybe you can find that somewhere else.”   I shouldn’t have to hide my needs and desires; I’ve had enough of that in my life.  I have cravings just like any other person and I shouldn’t have to ignore them for the sake of someone who refuses to satisfy them.  Whatever happens will happen, but I’m ready to make my move.

Yeah!

Lifeism

I am a lifeist.  Yeah, I know it sounds a bit off, but there really is no better way for me to put it.  I’m not a pessimist, I’m not an idealist, and I’m not even a realist (which often has negative connotations).  I put my faith in life simply being as it is, neither good nor bad.  As the term lifeist is still pretty foreign, I’m going to compile a list of characteristics or phrases that I feel best embody the concept of ‘lifeism’.

Wait, what?

1. To love is to suffer.
2. To grow is to suffer.
3. To live is to suffer.
4. But, to live is also to rejoice, even in the wake of intense suffering.
5. This rejoicing also comes with the potential for great change
6. The strongest loves and the greatest growths are those that coincide with pain.
7. The sweetest fruit is that which is the hardest to grow.
8. Life will go on, regardless of your suffering.
9. Life is in a constant flux and nothing is ever concrete.
10. Dichotomy is the poison of life.
11. Life is a series of moments, each one a culmination of all your previous moments and experiences.
12. As a result of this, there is no truly “right” or “wrong” decision. Merely the best one that you feel able to make.
13. There is nothing to gain from regret.
14. Learn from the past, do not dwell on it.
15. “Those who restrain desire do so because theirs os weak enough to be restrained”
16. “Do what you will, but harm none”
17. Acceptance of these principles will allow you to progress

Again, this is just a loose outline of a relatively new concept.  Well, not necessarily new, but rephrased. Like I stated above, nothing is concrete and these principles have the potential to change at any time. I’m still working through the wording on some of the concepts, but generally I like what I have so far.  I like the idea of having a moral guideline for living life, but one that is defined by your own experiences and past decisions. I’d like to think that our moral guide is constantly flowing and being shaped, never the same.  This guideline is the backbone of how we may express our inner selves.  If we don’t flow and change along with life , we will always be left wanting…will always be dissatisfied.

Lifeism is the only way that I can explain my system of beliefs and ideas.  It makes so much sense to me.  Putting my faith in life- my life and the life that I see around me- and accepting the ever- changing nature of it is the only way I can find any peace.  As much as I detest grouping and categorizing beliefs, feelings, desires, and experiences,  I like having something to grasp…something to apply to myself.  While it still needs a bit of tweaking, I think this can still be applicable to almost anyone. Lifeism: it’s all around us.

On a side note…

A Wealth of Nations: The Cult of Materialism in Our Society

Why is it that our society is so wrapped up in this materialistic way of life? From birth to death our achievements in life are measured on how much money we can pass on to our loved ones, how nice hour houses are, the luxury of our vehicles, or how many toys we can buy our children. We collect objects with no personal meaning so we can show them to other people who also gain no meaning from them. Why?  Is it for the shallow feeling of joy from seeing others notice our possessions?  Does a nice car make someone like us more?  Do the interiors of our houses reflect the interiors of the self?  Do our children gain true happiness from showing off their toys and gifts to other children? What does it all boil down to?

Goddammit…

There is no easy answer.  Now, that may sound like a cop-out, but it really is true.  A long held tradition throughout history is that physical possessions reflect greatness of the individual. It is just a simple fact of our existence, and there will always be those who judge and rank a life based on the material wealth it possesses. With all our capacity for love, happiness, and desire I would like to think that solace can be found in one another – on the inner rather than the outer.  Instead of people being a means to material end, it should be the other way around.  Not simple gratification from a one-off encounter with another person, but gaining knowledge or experience from that encounter- making it.  Viewing the spirit as the garden to be tended rather than our bank accounts should be our ideal- minimalistic versus materialistic. Here’s a quote from the existentialist cult movie Fight Club to chew on:

                   “I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the  middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact.”

Also, this.

Recently, while I was participating in a discussion on The Book of Job (in one of my favorite classes, I may add) I considered the implications of Job’s turmoil.  Only after removing all of his wealth, all of his herds, his crops, and  his house was he finally able to glean some enlightenment from his inner self.  Removing the religious implications and context of the piece, it can be seen as a tale of one man realizing the value of the things he had previously taken for granted and understanding the futility of those pursuits. He did not die when his estate was taken from him.  He did not wither into nothingness.  Rather, he withdrew within himself and understood that the will to progress is entirely internal. External possessions do not create happiness.  Physical ties to the world do not beget enlightenment.  Powerful, moving literature expresses these ideas, even when the popular culture of the day mandates otherwise.

Seems legit.

Speaking of popular culture, this materialistic dogma is so integral to our culture in America that we pay people millions of dollars to watch them throw it all away.  The Kardashians, Jersey Shore, My Sweet 16 (is that still a thing?), popular media advertisements (ex. Beer commercials, Cash 4 Gold, ) are all relevant examples of how we crave this desire for the physically tangible- the worship of the material. And people look up these “celebrities”!  So many people think “If only I could get on television, if only I could get famous, then I’d be happy”.  As if love- not strictly romantic love- is based in wealth. As if love can be found in these misplaced desires, these shallow connections to objects or objectified people.

Ultimately, it is up to us to toss off the shackles and the muzzle that the media has placed on is. Tune ourselves in to the way we’re being programmed into buying our happiness.  Most of the media is so unreliable that we simply cannot depend on them to change their ways.  Their existence is solely based on profit now.  Simply complaining and lamenting the denigration of intellectual and spiritual wealth is useless. Only through your words and actions combined can your progress and influence others to do so.  Whether it is through music, writing, activist work, teaching, volunteering, or spiritual counseling you can make your mark in this world.

No, but really.

P.S. As an afterthought, I decided to go and look up some supporting essays and articles with the same theme.  I think that this is something that I can really get into.  I think I rather like this philosophy meets literature meets popular culture method of analyzing my world.

I just discovered this website, and I already have a feeling that I’m going to love it!  From what I’ve gathered from this article, it expresses a lot of ideas that I haven’t quite formed on my own yet.  It’s a great reference, so check it out!

http://www.evolutionary-metaphysics.net/modern_materialism.html

Here’s another interesting article.  It goes into a more metaphorical than blatant depiction of the materialism perpetuated by mass media.  The site seems pretty neat as well.

Modern perception’s limitations: The curtain of materialist society’s illusion

http://www.culturechange.org/e-letter-39.html

A Hobbit’s Wise Advice

Frodo:  “I can’t do this, Sam.”

Sam:   “I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.  But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.”

Frodo: “What are we holding onto, Sam?”

Sam: “That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.”

Please ignore the chronic Gay-face

I don’t think that much more needs to be said; the quote is pretty straightforward.  However, I’d like to expand upon this thought. I think that this thing that we have to hold on to, this idea worth fighting for should not simply come from an outside source.  Above all, what we need to hold on to is ourselves.  No, not literally. This idea that the only things worth having are those that we find in the outside world is ingrained in us from the get-go. From birth we’re conditioned to desire monetary gain and rewards those who Never mind acquiring wealth, friends, “love” – all the forms of perceived success- what is most essential to progress is the embracing of the self. From that stems the ability to find joys in the outside world.

For if you cannot take care of yourself, how can you expect to treat those you care about with full force.  If you don’t have a grasp on 100% of yourself, then how can you expect that of others?  It seems pretty obvious when I say or think it, but the application of this concept is the tricky part.  It’s easy.  It’s easy to focus on the negative, to find flaws where others find treasure.  It’s easier to hide yourself than to risk rejection.  Because, as painful as it is to wallow in your self-loathing and to berate yourself, it is still less painful than what might happen if you love yourself and put yourself out there.  Frankly, it’s downright terrifying.

Frodo realizes that he has always had something to hold onto: his self. He saw what he could become as a person (or, hobbit) and took the plunge.  I don’t see how it could have been any other way.  That is one of the reasons why Tolkein’s books are so popular, so loved throughout the years.  Underneath all of the epic landscapes, all the devastating battles, and extensively detailed lore (he created an entirely new culture for Dwarves, Elves, and wizards) lies the coming-of-age tale of Frodo Baggins.  It’s simple, yes, but the pure brilliance in the way this story is belayed is why it so enraptures us. All of this, due to the concept of self-acceptance. Pretty awesome stuff.

Although, not quite as awesome as this guy…

Repression of Human Longing

Heart pumping- warm, rich blood flows through my body. All my veins, all my muscles – aching, straining to move. My brain is frozen- encased in a layer of the most impermeable ice. All my energy is focused on the simplest of functions. Even so, I cannot breathe.  It’s as if  you reach into me -squeezing my lungs – to snatch the air within. Chest heaving, pulsating – my ribs are fit to burst. My whole body  rebels against me, yet only I bear witness.

I cannot even begin to fathom from where these thoughts spring, but somehow  these desires have quietly, yet fervently, burned into my soul all this time. Unstoked, they merely festered- like an old wound that cannot quite heal up. Oh, the many scenarios I have planned out in my head, the waking dreams that dance around the outskirts of my mind – I cannot express the sheer might of these images.  Ever the skeptic, I find myself repulsed at this weakness – this sickening, debilitating longing that unwillingly inhabits my thoughts.

Psshh

Years of sexual and emotional repression has finally taken its toll, I suppose. Never willing to admit I had feelings or desires, I at first grew quite dissatisfied with my changing, growing body.  Now that I finally recognize myself for the power I hold, I find myself unable to express it in any fashion. Despite the wide range and scope of emotions and sensations that we humans are capable of experiencing, it feels like they have more control over us than we think.

Someone is right outside of our consciousness, just waiting to make us feel the most inconvenient things.  We so often end up getting attached to someone a bit out of our reach. This supposed “wrong kind of love” is so prevalent in our thinking. Frequently we look up to those that we have little in common with or fall for people we cannot be with.  Though, whether that is ‘because of’ or ‘in spite of’ I cannot say. Either way, it is one of the most unpredictable elements of the human experience.

Oh?

Somehow we usually seem to know what or whom we won’t like, but rarely what we will like.  We also have this habit of dichotimizing our feelings; they’re either “good” or “bad”- “right” or “wrong”.  Probably our greatest gift yet we so often contain or minimalize it, as if we are unworthy of reciprocation or above appearing vulnerable to those we care for.  I hate to think that the guise of normality and control is more vital to us than the joy of being true to ourselves, but such is often the case.  Though if we can’t be open about our natures with others, at least let us accept it within ourselves – be cognitive or our feelings and allow ourselves to bask in them. I guess I could say that this is a call to arms to all my similarly repressed kin.

Cease this continually numbing of the spirit, the absolute neglect of your voice. There are people out there who want to hear the things you have to say, and if you stay silent you will never obtain that connection. I’d like to think that the benefits far out weigh the risks in this instance.  But, think of all the awkward social interactions, faux pas, and disjointed eye contact, and possibility of rejection that you are lacking in your life!  Why, you could even grow as a person! No, no- that can’t be good for you; safety and absolute certainty is the way to go.

Or this…

Up next for me: I’m working on a book review/critique of A Curable Romantic by Joseph Skibell and compiling a list of songs that have been quite relevant too me recently and interpreting some of the lyrics.  A Curable Romantic is a decent book, but extremely frustrating!  The protagonist is such an absolute goof!  He seems to be socially inept, obviously sexually ignorant, and naive to the point of rage at times. Ugh! As for the songs, I thought it may do well for me to add in some more popular culture and modern expression into my writing. I don’t know, we’ll see how it goes.  Also, I have decided to go back and revise and touch up my previous posts.  I’ve noticed a few redundencies, style errrors, and odd phrasing  within them after reading them out to my therapist. Generally, I like them(more than I thought I would), but I’d like them to flow much more smoothly. At the same time, my Rickman page is being pushed to the back of my mind (it’s just not tangible and, thus, less important to me at the moment) but he is still on my to-do list.   Heh…

Not Alan Rickman, but just as acceptable.