My Life in Motion: Diary of an Unrefined Soul

I know that it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I guess I’m going through a bit of a dry spell( in more ways than one).  I’d like to get my writing kind of kick-started again by writing a simple journal past.  I mean, that’s all that blogging boils down to- blogging your thoughts, right?  Well, I hope so at any rate…

My life is insane- simply put.  This past year (or even the past 2-3) has changed all of my previous conceptions and ways of viewing life. Only two relationships, one 4 year and another 1.5 year term, and I have grown so much since then.   I still give into my impulses, I still binge/purges, I still have trouble eating, and I still have self-loathing and insecurities.  Yet, I’m more grown, more happy, more myself than I have ever been.  I have gained a sense of confidence and sense of self that I thought impossible to achieve.

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I’m almost there…

I’m pretty hot shit.  I don’t say that to be conceited or arrogant- although to a certain degree that naturally comes with confidence.  I’m ok with that though.  Tying into my previous post on Vanity and Modesty, I think my view on this matter is quite clear.  This past relationship has made this all the more obvious to me.  If you find yourself in a relationship that causes more doubt(not the good kind) and pain than would occur otherwise, there really is no sense in remaining in that situation.  There is no logic- again, I understand that there is no logic in matters of the heart and human expression- and no legitimate reason for it.  Although, as a recently viewed movie so eloquently put it: “We accept the love that we think we deserve.”

The accuracy of this statement is actually baffling.  Other than the questionability of the word “deserve”, this quote strictly refers to the perceived necessity of another’s love and acceptance versus self-love.  The only love we really deserve is our own. Cheesy? Maybe.  True? Most assuredly. We are the only person whose actions we have any control over, the only feelings and thoughts we can ever truly know.  Yet,  in that stark, blunt honesty we find ourselves shying away from it.  Again, just baffling, isn’t it?

Now, even with all of my self-hate and uncertainty, I have no fear of being alone.  I accept myself as I am- damaged, scared, weird, and just plain unique- and I do not need any other man (or woman, I suppose) to make me feel that.  Because, having another person in my life isn’t going to change who I am not in the most intimate and frighteningly honest of ways.  Although, I certainly do have a fear of commitment and love- I realize this.  At the same time, I don’t need another’s acceptance to go on living.  And neither do you!

Yes, you are!

Yes, you are!

Rant aside, I find myself in a situation that just shocks and frightens me beyond measure.  Two men- both of whom  harboured feelings for quite some time( one reasonably older and the other quite a bit older)- have decided that they reciprocate these feelings. Slightly suspicious, absolutely shocked, and -ultimately- flattered, I just can’t fathom the events in my life that led me to this point.  Maybe it is this new found sense of self, this new power that I have come into.  That in and of itself is terrifying.

In part this comes from the empowering nature of severing myself from a stagnant relationship.  I was in a relationship with someone whom I loved and cared for very much, but needs needs just were not attended to.  Yes, I mean this almost entirely in a sexual way.  And yes, I understand that sex is not the most important aspect of a relationship.  However, if two people cannot be together in the most intimate and honest form of expression known to humankind, then what is left?

prepare your anus

Problem solved.

Sweet words and empty promises?  I don’t want to hear how attractive I am, and how much you want to be with me if the actions continuously fall short.  I have deeply rooted self-hate and a distorted body image, and continuous rejection from someone who says that they do find me attractive they just, you know, don’t want to do anything physical with me more than a few times a month and in the same exact way and will not let me explore different ways of pleasing them (nothing weird or kinky, I swear).  I don’t think that’s too much to fucking ask from someone. Not to mention that I can’t force myself to be with someone who does not like my closest friend or my family, “allow” me to go out and be with friends(particularly guy friends) or even talk to me ex(who happens to be one of the closest people to me and which no animosity or desire remains) .  Yeeeeaah, that’s a no-go.  I have a car, I’m going to see the people that I love the most in the world- that I never see- as often as I can. Sorry…well actually no.  I’m not.

I think, in part, I’m just fed up with serious relationships.  Again, I’ve only been in two and have little worldly experience, but I’d rather just separate myself from that kind of  intense, serious, ready-to-settle romance. All I want is passion and desire and physical expression in its purest form.  I don’t want some sweeping, epic romance- that shit’s for queers and sparkly vampires.

My love...

….. I’m out.

I want honesty, open expression without rejection, I want someone who not just accepts me but also accepts my friends and family. And, continuing this path of stark honesty- I just want to have great sex.  Sex with someone who is just as into it as I am- who is just as ardently desirous of creating a fantastic experience as I am. As my best friend/sister so bluntly put it: I just want to get fucked.   I guess that’s true in a sense. I mean hell, the best orgasm that I can recall having was because of masturbation(an extremely new concept to me and one that I encourage everyone to participate in.)   I will repeat, I openly encourage masturbation.  Man or woman, whether you’re in a relationship or not, it’s just a better way to know your body and what you like.  And it helps work your imagination and fuels desire like no one’s business.

Anyway, I’m not going to go, you know, whore around.  That’s not me to any degree. But, I’m not going to go out searching for some…thing that society is perpetually telling me that I need to strive for.  Simply put, I want a deep, honest connection with someone.  Age is irrelevant, as is size, race, and even gender. Side note: I may or may not be bisexual.  Fuck if I know, I’m simply attracted to masculinity, intelligence, and humour.  That’s the only certain thing in regards to my perceived sexuality- which is probably 80% heterosexual.  Okay, rant over.  On with Life!

EDIT:  I’m not as bitter as I had previously written.  I realize now that my previous relationship had equipped me with more tools than I had ever known.  I will write more about the previous events- unfortunate though they are- as I come to terms with how my life has recently unfolded. I still care deeply about my ex and though I cannot be responsible for his actions, I will do my utmost to be there if he should need it.

Life has these bittersweet moments that we can either wallow in or progress from.  It’s all a matter of perspective.

RePost: What’s a muse?

Cristian Mihai : What’s a muse?.

Brilliantly articulated!  I don’t think I could have said it any better myself, and probably would have seemed all the more foolish for tying. Not, however, for a lack of accuracy in my words, but that the nature of the Muse is so abstract -so complex- that only one with adequate experience could do justice to it.  It’s just one of those surreal concepts that you can feel and understand so ardently, yet are unable to explain to someone less inclined towards such fancies.

I have gained a bit of insight into a current relationship situation that I have been mulling over(more details in my next post) in the reading of the above post.  I am startlingly ( or maybe not so startling when I think deeply on it)  that I have become another’s Muse, in one of the more intimate senses of the word.  While this particular situation can be loaded with implications and/or possibilities, I feel a sense of intense curiosity and near obligation to see this through.  I am already contributing in some weirdly influential way to this persons personal nd professional work.  Simply put, I am blown away!

I cannot deny the intensity of my curiosity, nor my fascination towards any artistic pursuit-especially into the greatly admired realm of literature and philosophy. To deny this curiosity would be the biggest expression of self denial that I could portray at this time. With all that I have been through and will go through, I haven’t lost that sense of self.  Yes, it has been distorted at times -even despised- but am not, nor will I ever, be one to shy away from the chance to grow and learn.  Wherever it shall lead, and however long it shall last, it will be an adventure for sure!  Any pain, or confusion, or frustration, (even happiness) that may result from this dynamic is merely another facet of this wonderfully awful companion we call Life.

Wish me luck!

Wish me luck!

An Intense Musical Experience

I’ve recently contemplated music and how it affects my life.  I know that everyone has their own musical preferences and their own artists that speak to them, so I’d like to think that it’s universal  in nature. It has the world as its audience and influences us all in different ways.

I just went to a concert last night with my brother.  Well, and his ex-wife was there as well …awkward. Anyway, the concert was Shinedown with Three Days Grace and P.O.D. as the opening performance and we were right up by the stage!  My brother and I always go to see Three Days Grace (and Breaking Benjamin until they disbanded.  Get it? Disbanded?) when they come to town.  It’s been a tradition of ours since I was a freshman in high school.  Unfortunately, this tradition will likely end since the lead singer, Adam Gontier, has left the band indefinitely.

Exactly!

I know!

During one of the TDG’s songs, I had this weird moment of clarity.  I felt separated from the concert.  I was an observer, watching the audience participate in the music.  It dawned on me that hundreds of people from all different backgrounds had come together for a mutual experience. We were all united from that moment.  All of us were here to listen to music we love by the bands that impact us so greatly.  It was such a surreal moment for me. As much as we like to isolate ourselves, we can be drawn together by the purest form of expression: music.  Going to a concert of an artist you love is such a phenomenally superior experience to listening to a record. I know you all have had an experience where you really connected with someone, no matter how brief the encounter.  Just imagine that, but radically magnified- shared with hundreds or thousands of other people.  That’s what one person or group can do. They can unite us in one single purpose – one connected experience.

Sadly, this experience was somewhat dulled by the broken TDG performance.  Don’t get me wrong, the replacement singer did a great job with what he was given.  It’s just that he had no connection with the audience.  He was there to perform, not express.  When Adam is on stage, he just loves it.  He bonds with the audience( at least the Nashville audiences) and puts himself into his songs. Simply awesome.

Left to right: Barry- lead guitar, Adam-vocals, Neil- drums, Brad- bass

Left to right: Barry- lead guitar, Adam-vocals, Neil- drums, Brad- bass

However, when Shinedown came on stage I was blown away.  I had never seen them on live and I was only vaguely familiar with some of their hits. But, by the heavens above, they were so static. Every band member was in their zone, they loved their music and their audience and we loved them right back.  Before they even played a song, Brent Smith (the vocalist) asked everyone in the audience to turn to their neighbors and shake hands, high-five, and form a connection.  Just that simple act of connection –which I am a total sucker for- heightened the experience. More than just loving what they were performing, they sounded amazing doing it.  Later in the performance Brent actually took a break and discussed this very concept- the unification of people through one single medium: music. Specifically, rock music, but this is applicable to any meaningful song. Anyway, Brent has fantastic voice and Zack and Eric were smashing on guitar and bass. Barry is a decent drummer, but he can’t hold a candle to TDG’s Neil Sanderson.  They really rocked it…geddit?

No?  Okay...

No? Okay…

Getting back on track, I was captivated.  The images playing in the background of their songs, the poems and stories they played between and within their songs, and their talent really cemented the experience for me.  I could feel the meaning in each of their songs.  I understood their lyrics and got something out of every song.  Their music is more positive than I expected.  It can be sad, even mournful, at times, but there is a kind of optimistic tilt  in their songs.  I’ve been so influenced by more positive, upbeat music lately.  I don’t necessarily mean poppy, fast music, but music that isn’t depressing or angry. This is why I think Shinedown is one of my new favorite bands.  Their music reflects the changes that have come over me much more accurately than my past favorites. Maybe this is just another sign of my increasing maturity and inner growth.

Or something like that...

Or something like that…

I’m going to try to include a few videos or at least links to videos of some of their songs that stood out to me the most, but I want people to check out all the songs possible.  Like I stated at the beginning, music is subjective and a song will affect you differently than it will me.   I went to Amazon and bought their first three albums and their live CD.   It’s been more than worth it, especially the live set.  I think they are classified as alternative rock, but many of their songs resemble ballads and have a lot more positive implications than other alternative artists.

Whomever reads this post please take a minute to think of your favorite artist. Genre is irrelevant. What matters is that you really think of the one that is the most influential and inspirational to you. Find one band or person that has been there for you in your life.  Whenever you were down, who did you listen to uplift yourself?  Whose lyrics have spoken to you? Inspired you to change how you view or express things?  Why are they so important to you?  Feel free to post in the comments if you wish.  I’m always open to any new musical suggestions and eager for new discoveries.  I love hearing about people’s passions and inspirations, and maybe you will get something out of it, too!

Left to right: Zack- lead guitar, Eric- Bass, Barry- drums, Brent- vocals.

Left to right: Zack- lead guitar, Eric- Bass, Barry- drums, Brent- vocals.

Simple Man- Shinedown

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbN99f9esS4

Save Me- Shinedown

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8dyxGiBx3g

If You Only Knew – Shinedown – One of their most well-known songs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NCDqYynUQk

Diamond Eyes- Shinedown

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hez6tDpiWDA

Her Name is Alice -Shinedown – influenced by Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHQQUH0DomI

Painting Power: Makeup as a Mating Call

Makeup is not a concept of vanity. Sure, vanity can be expressed by wearing makeup – by wanting to hide your perceived flaws. But makeup is purely a form of expression of your inner self. It’s a mating call- a way of displaying to the desired sex and others that you are sexually available. It’s just the way humans- females, specifically- portray part of your identity.

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Makeup is considered a form of mating call because it is meant to draw attention to yourself.  It accentuates the features that you want people to look at. Lipstick draws the eyes to the oh-so erogenous mouth, blush simulates sexual arousal, and eye liner and mascara focus on the eyes to draw in a connection with another person. We turn to makeup to highlight these regions when we are ready to have someone to notice them and understand the sexual connotations. When we are satisfied in our current relationship or are uninterested in pursuing a relationship, we keep these features minimalized.  Bright, gaudy colours and excessive use of makeup portrays desperation or easiness, bold, plain colours tend to draw intense passion or sexual prowess, and subtle, natural-looking makeup seeks more sensitive, long-term connections.

When done correctly, makeup can enhance your natural form and structure, while expressing your interest in others. This is why I love practicing with makeup.  I have so many different kinds because I’m looking for the perfect look- the perfect combination to draw in a man’s interest.  On another level, I’m just trying to get used to using it, so the times I actually wear the whole she-bang it looks effortless and attractive.

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Am I doing it right?

There’s nothing more attractive than a powerful woman, and makeup can be a way of expressing that power.  If you wear something that you think looks good on you, then you feel good.  That’s quite a powerful force.  It’s flattering when a confident, radiant woman is interested in a man(or a woman).  No, really. It’s power because it we are exhibiting a form of control of our inner and outer selves . We are expressing a desire to be noticed, to be unique.  The more creative you are with your display, the more likely you are to feel power. After all, it is a skill just like anything else.  It’s almost like art form. Actually, it is an art form and it represents inner power.  I have this power and you do, too.

I just now realized-after delving into my makeup stash to begin my ritual- what I was subconsciously doing.  I’m ready to announce that I have become sexually interested again, even though I had had no idea.  It makes sense, though. Considering that my relationship is severely lacking in the sex department, I would logically try to find fulfillment somewhere else.  Expressing my concerns and desires does nothing. He just gets irritated or dismissive.  I subconsciously was trying to find that fulfillment in another person.  Not that I recognize this, I guess I’m pretty okay with it.  I’m not finding my needs satisfied where I am now and my mind is all “well, maybe you can find that somewhere else.”   I shouldn’t have to hide my needs and desires; I’ve had enough of that in my life.  I have cravings just like any other person and I shouldn’t have to ignore them for the sake of someone who refuses to satisfy them.  Whatever happens will happen, but I’m ready to make my move.

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Yeah!

Lifeism

I am a lifeist.  Yeah, I know it sounds a bit off, but there really is no better way for me to put it.  I’m not a pessimist, I’m not an idealist, and I’m not even a realist (which often has negative connotations).  I put my faith in life simply being as it is, neither good nor bad.  As the term lifeist is still pretty foreign, I’m going to compile a list of characteristics or phrases that I feel best embody the concept of ‘lifeism’.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

  1. To love is to suffer.
  2. To grow is to suffer.
  3. To live is to suffer.
  4. But, to live is also to rejoice, even in the wake of intense suffering.
  5. This rejoicing also comes with the potential for great change
  6. The strongest loves and the greatest growths are those that coincide with pain.
  7. The sweetest fruit is that which is the hardest to grow.
  8. Life will go on, regardless of your suffering.
  9. Life is in a constant flux and nothing is ever concrete.
  10. Dichotomy is the poison of life.
  11. Life is a series of moments, each one a culmination of all your previous moments and experiences.
  12. As a result of this, there is no truly “right” or “wrong” decision. Merely the best one that you feel able to make.
  13. There is nothing to gain from regret.
  14. Learn from the past, do not dwell on it.
  15. “Those who restrain desire do so because theirs os weak enough to be restrained”
  16. “Do what you will, but harm none”
  17. Acceptance of these principles will allow you to progress

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Again, this is just a loose outline of a relatively new concept.  Well, not necessarily new, but rephrased. Like I stated above, nothing is concrete and these principles have the potential to change at any time. I’m still working through the wording on some of the concepts, but generally I like what I have so far.  I like the idea of having a moral guideline for living life, but one that is defined by your own experiences and past decisions. I’d like to think that our moral guide is constantly flowing and being shaped, never the same.  This guideline is the backbone of how we may express our inner selves.  If we don’t flow and change along with life , we will always be left wanting…will always be dissatisfied.

Lifeism is the only way that I can explain my system of beliefs and ideas.  It makes so much sense to me.  Putting my faith in life- my life and the life that I see around me- and accepting the ever- changing nature of it is the only way I can find any peace.  As much as I detest grouping and categorizing beliefs, feelings, desires, and experiences,  I like having something to grasp…something to apply to myself.  While it still needs a bit of tweaking, I think this can still be applicable to almost anyone. Lifeism: it’s all around us.

On a side note…

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