I just realized that I’m wasting my life away. I’m chucking it out like I have all the time in the world. All because of this “disease”, this eating disorder that I can’t see the power that I have now. I’m very fit, fairly intelligent, curious, idealistic to a fault at times, and I’m beautiful. Why am I spending so much time – and money – on something that takes all of that away?
This thing that causes my body so much pain -my throat, my hands, my eyes, and whatever part of my body that I can hide my wounds most easily- has somehow become more important me than treating my body and soul with care. The lies that I’ve told to the people that I say I care about, the hurt I cause them in trying to hurt myself- it helps no one. Who wants to spend eternity chasing down some shadow, a purveyor of hut and false promises? Who would choose something like that?
I have the freedom to do what I want to do, spend it with whomever I want. So why am I so focused on the reasons that I can’t? It doesn’t make any logical sense. It doesn’t do anything positive for anyone so I should be able to stop, right? I want to- I want to and I’m going to keep tying. Trying to find ways to avoid being in a situation that makes it easy for me to purchase – and binge on- food and to hide from people. One on my greatest inspirationa is a woman who overcame these same exact issues. She is in the same field, has the same interests, likes has that brand of creative inspiration that is oh-so essential to her career choice(teaching). I’d like to be where she is mentally someday.
Coincidentally. I feel that happiness should truly come from inside’s one self. It just has to be important enough to you to let it out. I think I’m really at a point where it has become my top priority. This past week has been rather enlightening for me is this regard. I want to find my own brand of fulfillment and I don’t want to let anyone else tell me from where to acquire it. The inner self is the one remaining thing that we actually still have possession of- our one true link to happiness. Just learn to seize that power.
Age, sex, size, race; it doesn’t matter. Anyone can potentially be happy. Just start by recognizing the things about yourself that are positive, things that you enjoy learning about, skills that you want to acquire – and let yourself doing. To put it bluntly, fuck everyone else’s standards! It doesn’t matter what salary you’ll get or what your family or your culture deems acceptable. I mean, what good does that do you when you’ll be in pain? WhenHow can you care yourself and for others if you’re always in a state of eluded indifference?
There’s inspiration to find in all around you. The plants, the weather, people and animals – life goes on regardless. There’s no other time to appreciate it but in the now. Focusing too much of the used-to’s and the could-have-been’s to focus on the experiences fleeing before you.
On a side note, I think I know the topic of one of my next posts. I think I would like to write bit on the ever-delicious Alan Rickman. yes, bit of shameless fangirling about one of my very few celebrity…infatuations.